What I have learned is that there is rarely a single right or wrong move. I spend an embarrassing amount of time replaying my actions, trying to locate the precise moment I supposedly ruined everything. But when I look at my dating history, the theory breaks. With both of my ex boyfriends, I was a psycho and they fell for me anyway. Which suggests that someone liking you or not has far more to do with them than with you. :))))
This really captures how uncertainty does more damage than rejection ever could. The emotional weight sits in the waiting and the projecting, you show that beautifully.
I love how unafraid you are to show emotion, it can be so exhausting trying to play it cool and be nonchalant. At the same time, you know your worth and aren't letting this person stop you from putting yourself out there. Great read!!!
As a boomer, you met a guy in a bar, flirted over a couple of weeks and then went out. You think date went well, but he doesn’t call. After a couple of days you call. He has to answer because no caller ID. Conversation is cold and you feel like you’re a crazy person. Now you either have to find a new hangout or go back to the bar knowing you’ll run into him again, probably with another girl. Thank god for girlfriends!
I 100% think there is! They objectify people and make them easier to dispose of. Singles on apps aren’t “real people” until you meet them, and even once you meet them, you feel like there are thousands of others where they came from…
I bet you he’s chasing that ‘lamppost push’ dopamine and texting someone who has already provided it isn’t as good a fix. Keep kissing those frogs though. Xx
I think dating is inherently emotional. It's hard to slow down the giddiness and excitement, and the whole thing involves our attachment styles and histories colliding with another person.
I think there is magic in the people who are most sensitive and emotional. The world has enough numb, unemotional people.
I've come off dating apps myself, because I've found the pace of meeting people in real life is something I am better suited to. The swiping, messaging, uncertainty loop of the apps wasn't suited to me!
I understand your point in trying not to let a crush override the actual information or time spent with the person, and get invested too soon. But then again isn't crushing and excitement a big part of romance and life?
I hope the right person will be excited and giddy about the idea of me (without it hindering their ability to get to know the real me over time).
I’m crushing’s biggest proponent (that’s the thesis of my platform). This piece merely speaks to the emotional experience of feeling like you’re not enough. I believe crushing in all of its glory is fundamentally human and also for women, political. To want in a world where we are told wanting is trite or too much, is inherently subversive.
I love this! I've always crushed sooo hard and journaled all about it, yet somehow felt embarrassed to speak openly about my crushes and the emotional journey involved. Thank you for sharing your experiences xx
Doing that kiss when he wasn’t into you or wasn’t gonna text again is insane behavior. I never do a kiss unless I’m excited abt the person and wanna signal that I want a date #2. As a single 25 yr old jewess in la ur series means everything to me. Good luck queen u sound fun to be around and very thoughtful
You may not like it, but his behavior isn't insane. He's dating multiple women, and will choose whoever is most appealing to him out of the options available. He wants to maximise the chance that each woman he dates will want to see him again, hence (if the mood is right) initiating a kiss. But the morning after the date he gets a reply from a lady he's more interested in and already on the third date with, and he follows up and has a great time with her. He's too cowardly to acknowledge to our hero that he doesn't want to see her again, and in any case wants to keep his options open, and soon enough days have passed that it's awkward to say anything and he just blocks her number.
I'm not a fan of the way this guy acts, but none of this is insane. He's just pursuing his own interests, same as everyone else.
Could be a possibility among other reasons! Who knows maybe he even reconnected with an ex. How many dates until ghosting becomes inappropriate behavior? Where’s the line? Sleeping together? I’m genuinely curious!
I think making ghosting available as an option is the original sin of online dating. If he had sent you a message saying he was no longer interested you might have been disappointed, or even hurt, but you wouldn't have spent days thinking that something might change. You could move on and spend that same time on someone else promising.
The void of information when someone ghosts you also means you can project whatever thoughts you have onto them, rather than seeing them with all their flaws. A man who takes you on the ideal date, kisses you romantically and then messages you coldly the next day to say he's not interested is obviously flawed. Not unforgivably so, of course. But at least an ordinary person who can be shitty to other people sometimes. But complete silence? Maybe he's the ideal person for you, who cares deeply and wants to see you and got taken up with perfectly innocent things like saving his neighbour's puppy from a burning building. Which I'm sure does happen, just not as often as our brains want us to believe.
What I have learned is that there is rarely a single right or wrong move. I spend an embarrassing amount of time replaying my actions, trying to locate the precise moment I supposedly ruined everything. But when I look at my dating history, the theory breaks. With both of my ex boyfriends, I was a psycho and they fell for me anyway. Which suggests that someone liking you or not has far more to do with them than with you. :))))
Loved this!!
10000000% with you — thanks for reading babe xxxxxxxx
For what it’s worth you’re fantastic at bantering over text
I’d like to think so ;)
Literally why tf would he kiss u if he's gonna ghost u like I'm mad asf rn
asked myself this question repeatedly
It's crazy cuz ur actually so pretty so like what the hell
AWWW OMG thank you
Was on the edge of my seat discreetly reading this at work
Omg the suspense !!!
This really captures how uncertainty does more damage than rejection ever could. The emotional weight sits in the waiting and the projecting, you show that beautifully.
I was reading this like a rom com novel lol. damn you ben, I had so much hope!
Thanks for reading!!!
loved the raw witty prose. attempting to date in this market is not for the weak!
Thank you queen!!
“You can’t do the wrong thing with the right person.”
Ben sounds like a lovely lost puppy. He’s not your guy :)
You’re a beautiful writer, thanks for sharing
Thanks for reading babe!!!!
I love how unafraid you are to show emotion, it can be so exhausting trying to play it cool and be nonchalant. At the same time, you know your worth and aren't letting this person stop you from putting yourself out there. Great read!!!
Thanks so much for reading Maggie! Looking forward to chatting x
i bet his room stinks
giggling
As a boomer, you met a guy in a bar, flirted over a couple of weeks and then went out. You think date went well, but he doesn’t call. After a couple of days you call. He has to answer because no caller ID. Conversation is cold and you feel like you’re a crazy person. Now you either have to find a new hangout or go back to the bar knowing you’ll run into him again, probably with another girl. Thank god for girlfriends!
Thank God for girlfriends!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself!!!! And thanks so much for reading!!!!!
It's amazing how much things stay the same even as the technology changes!
I do wonder though if there is something about the apps themselves/meeting people online that makes us more susceptible to ghost and be ghosted
I 100% think there is! They objectify people and make them easier to dispose of. Singles on apps aren’t “real people” until you meet them, and even once you meet them, you feel like there are thousands of others where they came from…
Reading this while wondering if I’ve been ghosted after a two week texting stage (it’s been 48 hours 🥲)
there’s still hope — gotta give it a week, and also not problem with following up if your comfortable, thanks for reading babe xxxx
Your essay was fantastic btw!! Forgot to say that ☺️
THANK YOU!!! means the world
I bet you he’s chasing that ‘lamppost push’ dopamine and texting someone who has already provided it isn’t as good a fix. Keep kissing those frogs though. Xx
That’s the only thing to do. Thanks for reading babe xxxxx
For your own sake, you should not get so emotionally invested in people you don't even know.
I think dating is inherently emotional. It's hard to slow down the giddiness and excitement, and the whole thing involves our attachment styles and histories colliding with another person.
I think there is magic in the people who are most sensitive and emotional. The world has enough numb, unemotional people.
I've come off dating apps myself, because I've found the pace of meeting people in real life is something I am better suited to. The swiping, messaging, uncertainty loop of the apps wasn't suited to me!
I understand your point in trying not to let a crush override the actual information or time spent with the person, and get invested too soon. But then again isn't crushing and excitement a big part of romance and life?
I hope the right person will be excited and giddy about the idea of me (without it hindering their ability to get to know the real me over time).
I’m crushing’s biggest proponent (that’s the thesis of my platform). This piece merely speaks to the emotional experience of feeling like you’re not enough. I believe crushing in all of its glory is fundamentally human and also for women, political. To want in a world where we are told wanting is trite or too much, is inherently subversive.
I love this! I've always crushed sooo hard and journaled all about it, yet somehow felt embarrassed to speak openly about my crushes and the emotional journey involved. Thank you for sharing your experiences xx
Thank you so much for reading and engaging!! I’m glad this struck a chord. Sending love xxxx
Perfectly encapsulated the feeling of how many people act on Hinge. Have been through these inner monologues many times over. It only takes one.
Doing that kiss when he wasn’t into you or wasn’t gonna text again is insane behavior. I never do a kiss unless I’m excited abt the person and wanna signal that I want a date #2. As a single 25 yr old jewess in la ur series means everything to me. Good luck queen u sound fun to be around and very thoughtful
You may not like it, but his behavior isn't insane. He's dating multiple women, and will choose whoever is most appealing to him out of the options available. He wants to maximise the chance that each woman he dates will want to see him again, hence (if the mood is right) initiating a kiss. But the morning after the date he gets a reply from a lady he's more interested in and already on the third date with, and he follows up and has a great time with her. He's too cowardly to acknowledge to our hero that he doesn't want to see her again, and in any case wants to keep his options open, and soon enough days have passed that it's awkward to say anything and he just blocks her number.
I'm not a fan of the way this guy acts, but none of this is insane. He's just pursuing his own interests, same as everyone else.
Could be a possibility among other reasons! Who knows maybe he even reconnected with an ex. How many dates until ghosting becomes inappropriate behavior? Where’s the line? Sleeping together? I’m genuinely curious!
I think making ghosting available as an option is the original sin of online dating. If he had sent you a message saying he was no longer interested you might have been disappointed, or even hurt, but you wouldn't have spent days thinking that something might change. You could move on and spend that same time on someone else promising.
The void of information when someone ghosts you also means you can project whatever thoughts you have onto them, rather than seeing them with all their flaws. A man who takes you on the ideal date, kisses you romantically and then messages you coldly the next day to say he's not interested is obviously flawed. Not unforgivably so, of course. But at least an ordinary person who can be shitty to other people sometimes. But complete silence? Maybe he's the ideal person for you, who cares deeply and wants to see you and got taken up with perfectly innocent things like saving his neighbour's puppy from a burning building. Which I'm sure does happen, just not as often as our brains want us to believe.
Thanks so much for the support queen!!!